Mommy Talk Top Ten List: Diaper Changes

I share a most unfortunate trait with Grandma (many unfortunate traits...unfortunately). Neither of us seem to have yellow lights or speed bumps or stop signs along the treacherous road between our brains and our mouths. Sometimes this leads to hilarity. Other times it leads to years long silent treatment - both given and received.

When it comes to the things I say to my kids though, so far, more funny than regretful. And the stuff I do regret? I comfort myself with the knowledge that they won't remember. I further comfort myself in the knowledge that if they are anything like their mother or grandmother, they probably weren't paying attention anyway.

I was thinking about a retrospective of the first two years of their lives - the things these poor kids have heard come out of my mouth - when I realized there were so many ridiculous not-so bon mots (uh, title of this blog, for example?) that I could divide them into categories. So today I present to you: The Top 10 Funniest, Strangest, Most Inappropriate Things Said During Diaper Changes in the Past 21 Months.

10. That's a carpet thread! It's still coming! Well, at least fiber is good for you.
9. Boy, do you ever chew anything?
8. Uh, you probably don't want to scratch it with that hair brush.
7. Good God, you gave birth to a baby's head!
6. All done. Now Mommy has to go throw up.
5. Keep yanking on it like that and you'll pull it right off.
4. Everybody, come look!
3. Good job wiping yourself... No! Take it out of your mouth!
2. Stop sticking your finger in there! What do you have, hemorrhoids?
1. Dude, what is with the constant boner?

There, I've said it, so you don't have to. Or, I've said it so you can lie and say you never have.