The mother of a newborn baby (or three newborn babies) wails and looks for comfort and advice from other mothers. "When will I EVER get some sleep?" she cries.
And they tell her there will come a time when the babies are 4 months old or 13 pounds and will sleep for 5 maybe 6 hours at a stretch. And new mother pulls out her scale and religiously weighs them wobbly suckers EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING.
And those other mothers aren't too far off. Just shy of 13 pounds and the first kid pulls an all-nighter. But new mother gets a wee greedy and wonders to other mothers, "What of this 12 hour stretch of sleep I hear? When pray tell, might I experience such a wonder? A year or so? Okay."
And again other mothers aren't far off. 10 months old for two babies. 20 months old for the third but not really his fault and anyway, with two soundly asleep, one middle of the night call for milk is cake. Smooth sailing in the sleep department from here, right? And other mothers say there is teething once in a while but otherwise, yeah, pretty much.
So why (why, why, WHHHHYYYY???) am I up at all ungodly hours of the middle of the night with a trio of almost 2.5 year olds?
Lying bitches.
So, I dry the tears, squelch the rage and try to see the humor. It's hard to find what with it being so damn dark in the middle of the night but, squint or, if you're batshit blind like me, turn your head slightly to the right so you stare out of the corner of your eye and behold....
The Top Ten Things Mommy Dreads Hearing at 1am
(and 2am and 3am and...)
10. Mommeeeee, where are youuuuuuu?!!!! (Where the heck do you think?)
9. Mo' Meeelk!!!
8. Mo' Barney!!!
7. Teekle, Teekle wittle Starrrrrrr! Up abuh da woe so... (Dammit kid, you put Mommy in an even worse mood when you forget a whole string of lyrics 'cause not only is it 2am but I'm lying awake thinking maybe you aren't a musical prodigy after all and there goes one plan for Mommy to make money off you knuckleheads. Thanks.)
6. Mommy? Zoo? Go bye-bye? Zooooooo!!!!! (Uh, only if you agree to take up permanent residence. Don't worry, I'll come visit. Stop crying.)
5.
(Yeah, that's silence and no, that is not necessarily a good thing. Remember the first time your new baby slept through the night and you were terrified thinking maybe the kid stopped breathing? Yeah, that lovely fear makes a re-appearance when you go through weeks of middle of the night screaming with toddlers that abruptly ends (just for one night, of course). So you go check at 2am and they are all breathing. And you aren't sure whether to be relieved or pissed.)
4. Ah woe woo, ooh woe wee, we uh hoppy bow wow wee!!! (No kid, we are NOT a happy family when you are channeling the purple anti-christ in the middle of the night.)
3. ARGHHHH....Wahhhhhhhh...(snuffle, snuffle)...Wahhhhhhhh....(choke, cough, cough, cough)...Wahhhhhh.......EEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH...(gasp, gasp, cough)...(And the Oscar goes to....Faker of the Year...)
2. Potty! Potty! Potteeee!
(pause)
Uh-oh, potty.
1. Bye-bye, sleep!
I hear you. At 2.5 years I thought sleep would be here but at least once a night I am negotiating a lost taggie or an overly wet diaper or a child who just wants to be in my bed. A good friend told me recently "we'll sleep when were dead...."
ReplyDeleteThanks for the laughs!!
I think it's a regression they all go through. I'm praying that I can at least drug them to sleep longer when they're 6.
ReplyDeleteThe worst is when you hear a weird choking noise or cry and then it abruptly stops...so you sneak in to make sure they are breathing and find that they are not only breathing but AWAKE and now thrilled to see you. Damn.
ReplyDeleteOur girls are doing 11 hours a night right now. I'm trying to enjoy it and not think about the future and toddler beds. *shudders*