The Little Yellow SchoolBus

Here in Georgia, Babies Can't Wait is a public service that will come to your home and evaluate your toddler for physical and developmental delays. I contacted them because some other moms of toddler triplets had seen progress in their kids after some speech and physical therapy and I wanted to at least get a professional opinion on how my three stacked up compared to others their age. If they have any delays I want them found and worked on as soon as possible, of course.

Here is what I expected would happen: The evaluator would show up and oooh and aaah over the amazing cuteness and precociousness of my triplets. They would make conversation (or what passes for conversation with 22 month-olds), ask me a few questions, and then announce that my trio were in fact quite advanced in speech and physical development and if toddlers could be tested for I.Q. she'd hazard a guess that they would test in the genius range. I would then act surprised and humbled and say, "I just wasn't sure since these are my only kids and of course I wanted to make sure they got whatever help they might need." Then the triplets would bid her farewell in sign language, French, Creole, and English. I would do a happy dance as soon as her car pulled out of the driveway, flop onto the couch and pull up Mommy's all time favorite daydream.

It's the one that starts with the triplets on the Today Show being interviewed by Matt Lauer as the "smartest toddlers in the world." They'd amaze the studio audience with their reading ability, recite the names and dates in office for all the U.S. Presidents and then BLUE would pull out a tiny violin and play a wicked rendition of "The Devil Went Down to Georgia." Matt would say, "All this and they aren't even potty trained yet!" My daydream ends 15 years later with me making the rounds of Princeton, Yale, and Harvard during Parents' Weekends.

Here is what actually happened: The evaluator was named Maria. I greeted her at the door and said, "Before we start I'd like to apologize for the smell. One of the triplets has, uh, an issue and well, when he lets loose its like a Superfund site up in here." She said it was okay and giggled politely but I could see her nose twitch and I think her eyes started to tear up. The triplets left their PB&J lunches on the table to form a semi-circle around Maria and point and stare menacingly. She acted like it didn't creep her out at all. After telling the triplets several times that this was not "Tatie," they decided to call her "Ya."

Maria asked me a bunch of questions about the triplets' habits and abilities, all the while keeping an eye on them as they ate and played. Once in a while a toddler would wander over to Maria and she would ask "What's your name?" or pull out a book and ask them to name certain objects. After an hour and a half, Maria announced that my triplets showed great physical development but she was recommending the full scale speech evaluation for all three because the average toddler their age is saying four times as many words plus several two and three word phrases. I felt deflated. Four times as many words? Who are these genius chatty kathy toddlers, I wondered out loud. The triplets gathered at the gate and stared some more as Maria put on her coat. "Ca-ca Ya," SWOOSH said. "That's bye-bye, Maria," I translated.

Mommy's favorite daydream disappeared and was replaced by visions of bumper stickers on my van proclaiming "My Kid Can Beat Up Your Honor Student."

Thank goodness for athletic scholarships to college.